Sunday, June 3, 2012

After the Rain

Three months in silence. It feels somewhat intimidating to write again after what seems to have been a million years pause. So much has happened in so little time that I can say I have definitely grown as a person with all more than I've done so in a few years time.

A lot of bad things kept happening to the point that I thought nothing worse could occur and oh wonder, it did.

It has been hard, and those close that know this whole chapter of my life know what horrible nightmare this has been in so many ways, and how each "development" of the story only made it worse.

Several car accidents and mishaps, lots of hatred against me from I people I used to care a lot about and that inevitably I hurt as well, backstabbing from "friends" and getting to see who really is there for me and who is not, poison, poison, gallons of poison everywhere, terrible emotional stress and pretty much this terrible bad dream I wanted to wake up from but I couldn't.

Changes, changes, changes, lots of changes in so many different aspects of my life.

For the first time in about four years I realized I was in love, really in love. But I have now learned and understood that not necessarily all love stories have happy endings, what is important is I cherish every single moment I shared with a certain young dreamer. I followed my heart and did all I could. The sorrow I can't help to feel is soothed by the calmness of knowing I did my best. 

I couldn't find any strength to post here all this time, but I figured out it would be best to come back here not with pictures of anyone, but self portraits. 

Pictures of me, and how I have been feeling all this time, vulnerable, raw and exposed.

Hey, I am only human, I walk, I stumble, I fall. But I get up, and this is me, taking baby steps, one tiny step at a time. I have so many good things to enjoy, so many good friendships to thank and cherish for all their incredibly superhuman support and love always (you know who you are and all you've done for me, which means more than words will ever be able to describe, I am forever indebted to you for being the most amazing human beings I know), and so many dreams and ideas that make me excited and high on life. Rainclouds are gone.

I breathe life once more.

I am no longer afraid.



  2. I missed this, I missed YOU.
    My friend, my brother, my dreamer.

  3. turn me back into the pet that i was when we met, i was happier then with no mind-set.

    1. And if you'd 'a took to me like a gull takes to the wind, well, i'd 'a jumped from my tree and i'd a danced like the king of the eyesores and the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

      Very smart. Very very smart. I'm intrigued.

    2. but did you really think i'd shut an open door? the future's calling and i'm gonna answer her, the wheels in motion, i never drank your potion and i know it breaks your heart.

      open up your parachute, something's gotta stop the freefall.

    3. Well I guess it's only life, it's only natural we all spend a little while going down that rabbit hole (but is it really that bad? is free falling without a parachute from the earth to the sky an undesirable thing? falling can actually be a good thing i reckon) the things they taught you, they're lining up to haunt you. I've been down the very road you're walking now (gosh I've been here and there and here and there so many times i've lost count) it doesn't have to be so dark and lonesome it takes a while but we can figure this thing out and turn it back around.

      I tell you to be patient, fine, balanced, kind.

    4. everybody's gotta learn sometime.

    5. change your heart and look around you.

    6. in a manner of speaking i don't understand how love in silence becomes reprimand.

    7. You give me the words but tell me nothing.

      now, now. off to my fave

      let's dance, little stranger
      Wont you dance with me
      In my world of fantasy?

    8. like an apparition you don't seem real at all, like a premonition of curses on my soul. the way i want to love you, well it could be against the law.

      soon the music's over.

    9. Where are we? What the hell is going on? The dust has only just begun to form. The title of this game that's being played.

      When you're filling out your only form, can you tell that it's just ceremon'? now you've added up to what you're from
      For the love, comes the burning young, from the liver, sweating through your tongue:

    10. it's now a swampy October dawn, happy early birthday, now i have to go.

      y me pongo a pensar cómo será el lugar, tú ahí vas a estar, nunca debes dibujarlo, cuando mi corazón comienza a palpitar sólo de imaginar.. nunca debes dibujarlo.

      vaquero galactico llamando.

    11. i cannot help but wonder, wonder and ponder, but I guess I'll never know. You hide behind these songs but at the same time your spirit shows. I will not insist as I know you wont tell, so I will have to conform myself with knowing you came from a "Windows system, Google Chrome". And the fact that you know my (most feared and most dreaded) B-day.

      I remain most baffled and confused yet I have no choice. I respect that though. Still, I'm a curious spirit and you stirred it up. But it is what it is.

      Porter I did not know, thank you.

      Ahora cambiamos de lenguaje, y te dejo una,

      Vuelves a ser, el sol que quema las estrellas, los girasoles pasan horas sin poder besarte, vuelves a ser el Universo de repente.
      Talvez no seré yo quien pueda descifrarte.

  4. i still remember the first time i saw you, in the library lift up to the twenty fourth floor, from where i stood you looked like an angel, so i didn't move until you walked out the door.

    i have to type eleven numbers into my cell phone, and it takes up fifteen digits to spell out "goodbye", but if i leave out the "good" i can save us some time.

    1. i did notice, but you did not.

    2. i did tell you, but you did not.

    3. So what, you're just gonna leave it at that?

    4. You run, you're free, you climb endless trees, you reignite
      You growl, you howl, you show your teeth
      You bite, it's alright.

      In this pre-fall seasonal flavour..
      In this blowing wind going through your hair..
      In this gentle sun preparing for dawn..

      do you actually know who i am?

    5. how am I supposed to know, little boy lilikoi, when all you do is hide behind a shadow and a song?

    6. the boy who blocked his own shot.

    7. wanna give it a shot?

    8. I have no gun.

      And it's been too long


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